Why It's So Hard To Break Up With Someone (Even When You Need To)Occasionally, I’ll get an email from a reader who isn’t asking for advice so much as they are asking for permission. And nine times out of ten, what they’re asking for is permission to break up with their significant other. One of the most perverse aspects of being human is how hard we fight against our own best interests.

Our brains are prone to a host of psychological effects and fallacies that convince us that we shouldn’t finally pull the trigger and end that toxic relationship, even though it’s making us miserable. Maybe you’ve had a friend who knows he needed to dump their toxic girlfriend.

Maybe you got tired of slamming your head into the brick wall of their obstinacy as you watched their drama and misery unfold in real time on Facebook, stunned that they didn’t realize how miserable they are. Let’s be honest: watching our friends’ relationship dramas is simultaneously frustrating and more compelling than some soap operas. Maybe you were the one who needed to break up with your partner. God knows I was. I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship – knowing damn good and well that I needed to break up with my girlfriend – for years longer than I should have. The good news is that once you recognize these stalling tactics for what they are, you can learn to overcome them. Here are some of the ways you make it so much harder to break up with someone. Essentially, I feel trapped in a long distance relationship.

Feeling trapped probably means I should end it, but, I’m feeling pretty conflicted about a lot of things. Like many nerdy people, my hobbies don’t bring me in to social circles which contain a lot of women, so, dating has always been an uphill battle. Repeated rejection really wore down my sense of self- worth, and had me totally convinced that I was totally undateable. When I finally met someone (online) who seemed to really like and appreciate me, it completely blew my mind, and I felt on top of the world. So, we chat for ages, find lots of similar interests, have all kinds of interesting conversations, things seem to be going great behind the sanitizing curtain of the internet. There are some issues that come up that I’m sure I can handle. She smokes, I don’t.

She drinks, I don’t. She’s pretty overweight, but, hell, I could lose a few pounds too.

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I like to go out with friends and play games, she’s more a quiet, stay- at- home type. That’s cool! I can deal with all that. Except when we meet in person, I find out I can’t.

The smell of cigarettes gets in to everything and makes me nauseous. I really dislike dealing with her when she’s drunk. I thought I didn’t mind her weight but it turns me off and I don’t really enjoy sex with her. I want to go out and do things, and she doesn’t, so I feel guilty for leaving and doing things without her.

Despite being in a long distance relationship for a few years now, the total amount of time we’ve actually spent together in person, getting to know one another adds up to mere weeks. Every visit, I’d leave not sure if I wanted to be with this person but as soon as I’d come home loneliness and nostalgia set in and suddenly I’m thinking “Well, it’s probably not as bad as all that. I can deal with this.” Even though I KNOW THIS IS TOTALLY INSANE. I KNOW it will be just as bad when I go back. I KNOW it’s not going to get better.

As much as I’m a non- confrontational person, I’ve tried to do some prodding about these issues, and I’ve been met with firm resistance. She does NOT think she should have to change for my sake. After all, I said I could handle all this. I KNEW about these problems. So here we are. The prospect of moving in together is rapidly approaching, and I’m totally lost.

I don’t enjoy our time together in person, but maybe I just need to get used to it? There’s still that person I’ve been talking to on the internet, right? The one I fell in love with, but can’t seem to find while we’re visiting? What are my other choices?

I’m pathetic and undateable, right? There’s nobody else out there for me.

Staying with her is easier, and safer, and better (so I tell myself). Then there’s the real kicker: It’s been years.

If I break things off now, I will have been wasting her time, for years. She’ll feel betrayed, furious, devastated, and the thought of that makes me feel physically ill. The actual prospect of breaking up simply terrifies me, inflicting that on another person. And yet, by staying with her, even though I’m not sure I want to, isn’t that kind of a being a jerk to her as well? Either way, she wants to go forward with this.

She seems committed, and I only feel it when I’m not physically near her. Should I break things off? How do people cope with doing that to someone? Is there a chance things will actually get better if we move forward with this? I’m not even sure I’ll want to get out there and try the nightmare that is dating again if I break things off. In short, help!– All Mixed Up.

AMU’s case is fairly common; a attraction that started exclusively online didn’t survive the transition into the real world. Just having chemistry with somebody online doesn’t guarantee chemistry in person. Like others who’ve been in his position, he should have ended the relationship long before it reached this point. Even now, it’s a fairly open and shut case: he needs to break up with his girlfriend already.

The problem is making that break up happen. In especially bad cases, both parties are waiting for the other person to end things. This is what’s known as “Break Up Chicken”. What makes this letter interesting is that AMU is a classic example of why it’s so hard to break up with someone, even when you know it needs to happen, laid out in pure text. From an outside perspective, it can seem glaringly obvious what you need to do. But when you’re in it.

Our brains are very good at throwing roadblocks in our way and making us talk ourselves out of doing what we know we need to do. For example: Nostalgia Makes It Hard To Leave Even The Worst Relationships. One of the first problems we deal with is that our brains will flat out lie to us and we very rarely realize it. Most of us have a misguided idea of how our memories work – that they’re perfect snapshots of a moment in time, recording and replaying everything with perfect clarity and accuracy.

We believe so firmly in the inerrancy of memory that we tend to miss the way that our brains rewrite our memories as we’re remembering them. Little things can change how we remember things, including people just making shit up and telling us that it happened over and over again.“Remember: it’s Bearen. STEIN, not Bearen. STAIN!”One of the memory tricks that screw us over is the fact that our memories are affected by our moods. Positive memories tend to stick with us in greater detail, while negative memories fade quicker.

Those golden memories of the early days of the relationship when things were better are sharp and vivid and can feel more immediate while memories of all the fights fade quickly. Even memories of abusive or coercive behavior grow faint enough that we can excuse them as being “not that bad” in comparison with all the good times. And since we’re often already conflicted about actually pulling the break up lever, we let those nostalgic memories overwhelm our better judgement.

If things were good once, they can be good again, right?(Spoiler alert: NOPE.)Breaking Up With Them Makes You A “Bad” Person. Break ups hurt, no matter which side of the equation you’re on. On the one hand, it totally sucks to get dumped. On the whole, people hate having to break up with someone; we’re naturally loathe to hurt somebody we care (or cared) for, even when it’s necessary. Sure, every once in a while you’ll run into a thundering assbeast who casts people aside like used Kleenex, but most of us aren’t cartoon villains who feast on tears of despair. Admittedly, it’s the short- sighted emotional vampire who dumps their partner.

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