Why Your Team Sucks 2. Tennessee Titans. Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Tennessee Titans.

Your 2. 01. 1 record: 9- 7. Your coach: Mike Munchak! Makes you wear sports coats. Your quarterback: Jake Locker! Lotta motor in that dashing young man! Download Full Hidden Figures (2016). What’s new that sucks: Wideout Yance.

Dell Thig. Cali. Britt is a speed demon! What has always sucked: Ooooooh, that miserly Bud Adams! I hope that fella kicks the bucket soon so that this team can move into the future! WAIT. Wait wait wait.

We know that our names may influence just about every avenue of our lives—where we live, the school courses we enroll in, the grades we achieve, the jobs we choose. Hey, so last night I went to a screening of Atomic Blonde—the stylishly brutal action-packed flick set in 1989 Berlin right before the fall of the wall, in which. Some people are fans of the Tennessee Titans. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tennessee Titans. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the.

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Wouldn’t it be amazing if the Honda City Turbo and its Motocompo scooter were featured on Jason Drives?

I’m very sorry. Wrong Titans. Hang on a second. Let’s start again. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 9- 7. I honestly don’t know how you go 9- 7 in the AFC South and not win the division by eight games, and yet here we are.

It says a lot about the Titans that they can have more promise than any other team in their division by far and still blow it by committing a zillion penalties, botching onside kicks, playing dirty as shit, losing to Jacksonville on Christmas Eve, and limping their way to a crypto- . By the way, it will shock you to learn that an NFL team had its season derailed thanks to a devastating injury to a young passer. REAL STUNNING TURN OF EVENTS. By Week 1. 7 of every AFC season, it’s Tom Brady squaring off against 1. Mc. Cowns. Your coach: Mike? There’s a Mike and K in there somewhere.

It’s Mike Mularkey. Loved him in Bull Durham. Last year was Mularkey’s first winning season as a head coach in a dozen years. Why, it’s like Jeff Fisher never left. Stick with either man and eventually a winning season comes around like a fucking solar eclipse. Your quarterback: Marcus Mariota, whose incredible potential is exceeded only by his terrifying fragility.

It’s like if Jake Locker were actually good, but also still Jake Locker. Do you know what I mean? The team drafted Corey Davis (from Western Michigan. What’s new that sucks: One of the wideouts beat the shit out of a dude at a bar on Draft Night because fans taunted him when the team drafted Davis to take his job. You also signed the defensive back that Pats fans loved to bitch about almost as much as the Tyree catch.

In brighter news, the GM has taken it upon himself to also coach! GRRRRRRRRR SO MANLY. He broke up a fight Wednesday. On Thursday, Robinson stood between blocking dummies holding a pair of taped- together tennis rackets to obscure Marcus Mariota. I like to be involved. I like for the coaches and the players to see that, hey, I’m willing to come out here and go to work and not just stand on the side and take notes. I want to be involved with those guys and show that I care about the direction that this football team is headed.”You know, being a general manager in football is an incredibly difficult job.

You have to scout players, manage the cap, constantly scour the free agent wire in case you have an emergency, act as liaison between the coaching staff and ownership, conduct a never- ending re- evaluation of your roster, and do a million other things. And yet, it’s amazing how many outright bullshitters and blatant office politicians are given this kind of job. I thought the Colts were dupes when it came to hiring a GM, but here comes Jon Robinson revolutionizing his position by standing on a tackling sled. I give him two years. What has always sucked: One of the amusing ongoing subplots revolving around the Titans is that heiress Amy Strunk is clearly going to sell the team, but can’t quite figure out when or how to do it. That’s how you end up with completely sincere news reports like this: Rock star Jon Bon Jovi, who attempted to buy the Buffalo Bills and remains very interested in owning an NFL team, continues to monitor the Tennessee Titans ownership situation closely, league sources said. I like the idea that the Titans are so lacking in relevance that they’re a designated target for Robert Kraft to gift an NFL franchise to his dad rock buddy.

That would be an extremely NFL thing to happen. Jon. Bon will be waiting silently in his Middleton Township command center, ready to offer three gold records and a leather fringe jacket. HE IS MONITORING EVENTS CLOSELY.

By the way, thanks to the Falcons, you people can no longer lay claim to having the most painful Super Bowl defeat for an anodyne Southern NFL team. But really, what does it matter? The Titans are, at any given moment, the ninth most popular football team in the state of Tennessee.

This is a lame team, playing in uniforms reserved for bad movies that can’t secure NFL licensing rights, staging games in a lame city filled with transplants and posers who are either too redneck or too broke to make the full move to L. A. Besides, Nashville is a hukkey town now. If Mariota stays intact (LOL), this team is genuinely good. Kinda cruel that they’re gonna be wasted on Nashville. We should airlift them to San Diego or something. Did you know? Fuck Clay Travis with a hot chicken leg. HEAR IT FROM TITANS FANS!

Matt: Last year, we had a chance to make our first playoff appearance since 2. Mariota’s leg snapped in half while dynamic duo of Brock Osweiler and Tom Savage led Houston to a division title. My Eddie George jersey did get some love at a recent 9. So there’s that. Adam: The last time I was excited about the Titans was when Kerry Collins led the team to a 1.

Looking it up just now, I was shocked that was all the way back in 2. It’s been a goddamn decade. John: I have no doubt that no matter how good this team actually ends up being, we’ll still go 2- 4 in the worst division in football.

Isaac: We are the only team in the history of the NFL whose defense allowed Johnny Football to throw two TDs in the same game. Jacob: Anyone remember the last time they beat the Jaguars multiple times in the regular season? That would be 2. 00. JC: God I love the Titans but I once saw a guy with “TENNESSEE STYLE” tattooed across his goddamn shins.

That is some shit right there. Dave: Remember in Gremlins, how Phoebe Cates’s dad dressed up in a Santa costume one Christmas Eve, slid down the chimney, and broke his neck, where he remained unnoticed until his family smelled his festering corpse?

Imagine how awful and traumatic that must have been for her. Well, that’s pretty much how I felt the night that the Jacksonville Jaguars and fucking Randy Bullock stole Christmas from me. Roy: We know Mariota is screwed. The only question is if the preordained season- ending injury will come from a roids- addled JJ Watt body slamming him or from being mowed down by drunken bachelorettes on a pedal tavern. I just hope it happens after the Predators’ new season starts. Sam: I wasn’t sure if you’d done them yet because I literally remember like 2 things about their season last year.

Will: At the end of last year’s season, all we had to do to make the playoffs was beat the Jaguars. The fucking Jaguars. We lost and our star QB broke his leg. We let Jacksonville ruin our season and Christmas. I really want Gnash to beat the shit out of T- Rac at a game. Romantic Horror Movies Manolo (2017).

People would be thrilled. David: Last season we went 9- 7 and narrowly missed the playoffs. You know why we narrowly missed the playoffs? Because we got fucking WRECKED by the goddamn Jaguars. Fuck you, Santa. Instead of getting high and forgetting the disaster that just took place, I talked myself into watching the Sunday night game between the Texans and the Bengals. A Texans defeat would make the following week’s 1.

It was the worst game I have ever seen. And I watched every single play of that unholy dumpster fire only to see the Bengals miss the game winning FG as time expired.

By then I was too drunk to bother calling my dealer again. Tyler: My buddy since middle school and I decide to get decent seats to the Titans @ Colts game at Lucas Oil. I try and go to this game every year as an easy way to see my guys play live. This happened to be the year before Andrew Luck, when they were winless.

Get Smart With Wikipedia’s List of Common Misconceptions. Replace your annoying “Did you know?” factoids with even more annoying “Actually that’s fake” corrections. Wikipedia features a massive list of common misconceptions about history, science, and more.

I check it once a year to refresh my smugness. The best corrected facts include: Twinkies don’t last forever; they have a shelf life of about 4.

An undercover cop is allowed to lie when you ask if they’re a cop. The Immaculate Conception is about Mary’s birth, not Jesus’s, and it’s about original sin, not a virgin birth.

A black belt isn’t always the highest rank in a martial art. The abbreviation “Xmas” was coined by medieval monks.

The Roman vomitorium wasn’t a room for vomiting; it was a stadium entrance. Napoleon was 5’7”, slightly above average in 1. France. It’s OK to swim right after eating. Glass doesn’t actually flow. Old warped windows were made that way.

Shaving doesn’t make hair grow back thicker. Redheads aren’t going extinct. Of course, this is still Wikipedia, so before you rely on a fact for anything more than conversation, click through to the original source. List of Common Misconceptions.